December 17, 2011

A Creative Use for a Hamper

I grew up with an evil genius. My older sister. She was sharp as a tack and her brain was lightning fast. I didn't stand a chance against her powers, especially considering the fact that my family collectively referred to me as "Captain Slow."

She carried out one of her most evil plots before I learned how to read. She saw my inability to discern words from letter combinations as an exploitable weakness. Therefore, she handed me a pair of scissors and directed me to a mattress.

I obliged. Then she read it aloud.

And then she gave me some legal advice.

I reacted to this sudden change in the course of my life about as well as one would expect.

Mercifully, my sister offered to save my life by stuffing me in a hamper where the cops couldn't find me.

For added protection, she wedged the door side of the hamper against the back wall of the closet in the guest room (the room that got the least foot traffic in the house), and then wandered off. It was kinda like a Ping the duck type situation.

Several hours later, my mom miraculously went into the closet to put something away. This next part is hazy for me, but she says she heard muffled sobs coming from the back of the closet. Upon investigating, she found me red in the face, hot and sweaty, pleading that she shut the hamper door so I didn't get sent to the clink.

It was absolute heaven when she explained I wasn't going to be incarcerated.

I got my sister back several years later when I threw all her dry clean only clothes in the pool.

December 11, 2011

Say Cheese

I'll admit I don't have the most sophisticated palette. I like pizza, tacos, and Oreo McFlurries. When I studied abroad in France, I went on a wine tasting tour in Bordeaux. It's safe to I say was a little out of my element.

I've been known to make some strange flavor associations as well.

When I first started a new job, I went out to dinner with some of my co-workers. We ended up at a restaurant that was a little pricey, so I decided to order from the appetizer menu. An interesting but more reasonable option was to order a cheese plate. They had a variety of cheeses from which to choose. I was lost.

I made my choices, and soon, the platter arrived. It was great! I began tasting each cheese, determining which was which. Each one was better than the next. Until the last one.

The cheese was pretty bad, but the odd thing was that it also tasted pretty familiar. I knew I had tasted it before, but I couldn't place it. This drove me nuts, so I kept eating it. It was soft, and creamy, and weird tasting. I ate about half of it, each bite more familiar than the next.

I still couldn't determine what it was. I decided to ask the server.

I was eating the butter. What a great first impression.