An Investigative Report

Paradox: Nothing could be more nightmarish than ending up on a reality-t.v.-adventure-dating show, whereas nothing could be more heavenly than getting to experience the audition.

But sometimes things have a way of working out.

A friend discovered that NBC would be holding auditions nearby for a reality show and wanted nothing more than to "check out the clientele." That was all I needed to hear. I was in.

A group of us arrived at the bar and found a lot of trendy young people who looked like this:

And this:

Next, we found the NBC folks taking people's information and giving out audition numbers.

That seemed about right.

I decided not to register because I really just wanted to chat with prospective fame junkies. I played dumb and pretended that I had accidentally stumbled upon all this, asking people what it was all about. Most looked embarrassed and mumbled something about a reality show.

"About what!?" I did probe.

The response usually consisted of a lot of ashamed mumbling and staring at the floor. People said things like, "It's like adventure and travel...and dating I guess. It's stupid."

My favorite was a guy we called "Head Shot." He acted like he didn't care and claimed his friend made him try out, but then when we asked what was in his manila folder...

Head shots and an acting resume! Jackpot!

When he came out of the audition he was reticent to say too much because we were potential competition. Those were his words, not mine. Well, he didn't use the word "reticent" but you get the idea. Visual scans of the crowd revealed that NBC wasn't going to have a productive night. No one was model-y enough, especially the old biker guy with the long gray hair and a ZZ Top beard.

He was awesome, but not exactly the island-love-romp type. Maybe more of an "American Choppers" kid of guy.

There was one blond girl with a headband around her whole head and we all agreed she had the best shot. She looked like someone more interested in flirtinis than in multivariate calculus, but that's perfect for these types of things.

Soon it was time for my cadre to enter the group audition. I was standing next my pals when the guy waved us in. I protested that I had not registered and was just there for moral/comedic support, but that didn't seem to matter.

The casting lady inside was so bored with us from the start that she failed to notice I didn't even have a number. About six of us sat down and got to field important questions like "What you do all think about celebrity cheating?" My response didn't exactly win me any points.

Then we were asked about the most romantic thing we'd ever done. Again, my answer was unsatisfactory.

They really seemed to like the girl who said that Eva Longoria was her 11th cousin or something, but when I asked if she had ever met Eva and she said no, the casting professionals became less interested. I actually had to apologize for blowing it for her.

I always kinda wondered how they find these reality stars, and now I know. In high school I helped my dad film an audition video for the first season ever of Survivor where he pretended to eat our pet parrot. He got tapped for an interview but showed up in Miami with a 103 degree fever and to this day he isn't sure what happened in there except a decent amount of sweating.

It was a productive night.